Brother’s Keeper

By on May 3, 2013 in Masculinity, Relationships and Family

I recently read an article about how brotherhood played a role in the Boston Bombings and thought how grateful I am that my older brother is a good guy. We didn’t always get along growing up but I always looked up to him and wanted to be like him. Fathers and other male role models are important in young men’s lives but there is something special about the role of a brother. As I reflected on this story and thought of my own brother I found myself grateful that he encourages me to be a better man than something like these two.

The Boston Bombings are a hard story for many reasons but there is something about this younger brother, Dzhokhar, that got wrapped up in his older brother’s bad influence that makes me feel pity for him. From all appearances, and from what I have read about Dzhokhar, he was a bright kid with a bright future. Classmates liked him. Neighbors said he was respectful and kind. But the reports about his older brother, Tamerlan, are not so glowing. He was abusive towards his girlfriend and had some anit-American views that he wasn’t afraid to share with anyone who would listen.

It is not hard to imagine that Tamerlan manipulated and brain-washed Dzhokhar over time. Dzhokhar listened, followed, and trusted because, after all, they were brothers. He is responsible for his choices and he will pay. And a natural consequence in this was that he lost his brother and now has to shoulder the burden of guilt and shame for what happened all on his own.

This story leaves me thinking that brothers have some responsibility to one another and I wonder how things could have been different in Boston had Dzhokhar been able to resist Tamerlan’s persuasion. Moreover, there seems to be a moral to this story about how important brothers are to one another and it begs the question “What sort of brother will you be?”

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SAAM Is Just Around the Corner

By on March 29, 2013 in Allies and Activism, Events

Sexual Assault Awareness Month aslo known as SAAM beings April 1. No joke. Look for upcoming news, events, and ways to get involved this April with bringing awareness and prevention to sexual violence.

Your invovlement and support is needed!

We will keep you posted.

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Shaking the Family Tree

By on March 15, 2013 in Advice, Relationships and Family

The following is a blog post from Derek McKracken, long-time and faithful Man Up! and MOCSA volunteer.  

“Local barber stabbed to death while defending child.” Sometimes, doing genealogical research turns up surprising results. That summary is part of my family history, unearthed by a cousin digging into ancestry.com. The barber was a 30-something relative several generations ago who observed a boy in a card game being swindled by an adult. He stepped in to right the situation and got wronged to death. I’ll admit it, the Internet amazes me. How else would I have possibly discovered this information? Campfire stories? Time capsule? Lost diary found? All highly unlikely. Online is on target for me.

 I can’t count the number of times that, when needing to know some vital information (like where did The Stray Cats first play in Kansas City in 1982) my first inclination is to grab an iSomething  (pad, phone, mac) and Google it. I know – lazy. But honestly, most of the time this works. However, when I’m actually trying to research something substantial, like “breaking the cycle of abuse across generations” it is as likely to pop up a British thesis from 1978 about the effects of inner city discord among soccer-playing youths as it is about the actual topic. So recently, instead of jumping first to external sources, for inspiration or information, I’ve been starting close to home: inspiration from family history.

 My interest in this topic was piqued as I prepare to head out on a road trip to see our family’s latest addition, a 9-lb. whopper of a kid named William B. the III. With a name like that, he is destined for greatness. His dad is a diplomatic genius and his mom is an inspiring leader, and they both are Mizzou fans so in my eyes they’re golden. The 9 hours it will take me to get to Texas are a gift, a time for reflection, introspection, mulling and musing: What kind of world will William grown up in, and what will his influence be? What will he think of and learn from his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins?

 A new phenomenon has emerged in my family, as different generations are connecting in new ways. Homebound senior citizens are getting Facebook accounts. Military families are Skyping in real-time across the world. As a result, old family photos that used to be relegated to one box in one house, are now being shared in an online “family group” so that my nephew in Alaska and my cousins in New York can all see my dad opening his Christmas present, or my  mom (the ultimate hostess) entertaining guests at a backyard luau – her last party before dying of cancer. This is more than history in the making, folks. It has been the catalyst for our family staying connected and committing to learning from our past to inform our future. I predict that this system will evolve beyond social networking and into future networking: generations help future generations learn from family-specific experiences and history to inform medical, social, psychological and maybe even spiritual decisions.

 I’m curious: How has your family used documentation (storytelling, online, albums etc) to inform (or warn) future generations of where they’ve been and where they could go? Do you think it’s more nature than nurthre?

 And to the McCracken who so many generations ago decided to immigrate to America from Antrim Ireland, and whose family’s family’s family settled in the Midwest, thank you. And let’s try to stay out of knife fights and work on our Google rankings, ok?

Thanks, Derek!

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On The Prowl

By on March 8, 2013 in Allies and Activism, Bystander Intervention, Masculinity

On the day of our last big snow storm, I stopped at a Walmart to pick up a few items.  As I waited in the checkout line, I looked over toward the Money Center.  There was a long line of people waiting to pick up a check or send money to someone else…I assumed.  But out in front, I noticed two guys.  One was tall and thin, seated in one of those motorized carts.  The other appeared to be waiting with him.  He was short and stocky.  And his clothes looked as if he’d just rolled out of bed.  A baseball cap was just plopped on top of his head.

And as he stood in front of the Money Center, he would watch women as they walked by and turn his head to follow them.  As they approached, his eyes looked several women up and down.  And as they walked away, he focused on their backsides.

A third guy came out and they all left.  But it reminded me of how we, as men, always seem to be on the prowl.  Whether it’s a bar, an office, a street corner, or a Walmart during a snow storm, we are always ready to pounce like a tiger on a piece of meat.

And sometimes we do.

I recently read about a woman whose breast was grabbed while riding a city bus.  The man first started speaking to her in vulgar tones.  Then, he reached over and just grabbed her.  When she protested, he cursed her.  Thankfully, he was arrested.  But I was so shocked to think a guy would think it’s okay just to grab part of a woman’s body without permission.

But then, I read a blog written by a young woman to her male family members.  She basically requested they do their part in putting an end to street harassment and catcalls.  She wanted them to understand how many times it’s happened to her.  TIMES.  PLURAL.  Being violated in any way, shape or form, is bad enough just once.  But experiencing it many times?

Today, at work, we had a session on sexual harassment.  These “training” sessions are always a good opportunity to educate and enlighten employees.  But it’s always uncomfortable.  But not as uncomfortable as being stalked like a piece of meat.

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Jackson Katz to Speak at KU

By on March 4, 2013 in Events, Local Interest, Masculinity

Sorry for the late notice but I wanted to get this out to anyone interested in hearing from Jackson Katz, one of the best known anti-violence educators in the field of Men Against Violence. He will be presenting this Thursday night (follow link for more info) about “More Than a Few Good Men: A Conversation about Manhood, Violence and Doing the Right Thing”. Katz is best known for co-founding Mentors In Violence Prevention (MVP), authoring “The Macho Paradox: How Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help”, and for his educational video “Tough Guise”.

 

 

 

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Our Heroes and Our Villains

By on February 22, 2013 in Events, Health and Sports, Masculinity

I recently heard a statement made regarding the Oscar Pistorius murder trial that went something like this: This is yet another reminder that athletes are just athletes and not heroes. The point of the statement is something to the effect of we shouldn’t glorify or look up to athletes, even star athletes overcoming great obstacles, because they are just people too and we shouldn’t be shocked to discover they do terrible things.

*photo courtesy of NY Daily News

From Kobe Bryant to Lance Armstrong the list of athletes behaving criminally, immorally, and unethically is long and disappointing.  But yet we still often hold them in the highest regard and excuse their behavior in a way that we probably would not for most ordinary people. This issue is particularly problematic in the field of sexual violence prevention and promoting healthy masculinity. Many of the people, particularly young men, that we teach, train, and coach look up to these athletes in meaningful ways.  How do we bridge that divide? And why is it that the athletes who don’t commit these high profile crimes don’t always seem to be as popular as those that do?

Thinking about these topic has brought up a handful of questions that I’d like to pose to the readers.  Do you think sport hero will always be a part of a culture? Will there be a time where lesser known occupations will be admired the way athletes are?  How should we respond, especially to young people, when athletes they admire, typically for good reasons, do something terrible like rape or murder?

And, lastly, can anyone send me some examples of top-notch athletes with top-notch character?

Have a great Friday!

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Bitter Wisdom

By on February 8, 2013 in Bystander Intervention, Masculinity

The following is a post from Man Up! writer Derek McCracken.

 Have you ever been slapped in the face…with words?

Recently, a Facebook newsfeed headline caught my eye:  “FEMINIST ALERT!” My colleague who wrote the entry described this scene: her husband (Young Dad) walked into a coffee shop, where a stranger (Cranky Old Guy) made small talk. YD explained that he was there to get coffee and breakfast for his wife and daughters. COG said, “A good wife would be home making you breakfast. That’s what women are good for: cooking and ****ing.”

 Whoa.

 My colleague received a variety of responses, ranging from “I’d never patronize that shop again!” to “What century is that guy from?” to, well, much more specific ways to deal with the situation.

 My gut reaction was shock, then disbelief, a twinge of anger, pity, more anger, and then some curiosity: Why did COG feel comfortable expressing his point of view in such a direct and outward manner to a complete stranger? Maybe he was un-caffeinated, lonely, or assumed that speaking “man to man” gave him a hall pass into Sexism U.

 To be honest, even as a male volunteer in the MOCSA movement who is trained to keep a cool head in heated situations, I probably would have emerged from my man cave swinging a word club:

  •  “No wonder you’re single.”
  • “Are you speaking from lack of experience?”
  • “It’s 2013 you know.”
  • “Does your wife agree?”
  • “We both know that’s not true.”

 Curious, I asked my daughter how she would have responded to the “…women are good for…” comment. She paused, raised her eyebrows in disbelief:  “I would have said ‘That’s NOT OK!’ and ignored him.”

 Kids say the darndest things. As for us adults, well, maybe we could learn a thing or two from the kids’ playbook.

 Blog readers (COGs or otherwise), what would you have done in this situation?

 Thanks, Derek!

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Emphasizing Empathy

By on January 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

Have you ever tried to walk in the shoes of another person? Unless the shoes are the same size as the ones that you usually wear it can be incredibly difficult, painful, or simply not very functional to wear someone else’s shoes.  For whatever reason my son, who is 2, loves to wear my “work” shoes as he calls them, around the house.  My size 13 shoes look incredibly goofy on him and when he wears them he moves very slowly.  Once I left for a weekend trip in the summer time and packed only sandals to wear. An unexpected pick up game of basketball took place, something I could not pass up on, and I had to borrow someone else’s shoes to play. My feet in a size 11 shoe for two hours of basketball made them hurt for days.

It is not easy to actually walk in someone else’s shoes. I wonder if it is any easier to imagine yourself in someone else’s shoes? To really empathize with another.

Empathy is the subject of article that a co-worker emailed to me. You can read the article here.  The article points out that empathy tends to come easier for women rather than men and hints that this is because men are the ones in charge there is less need for them empathize with others, especially women.  The struggle for many men to empathize with women is problematic as it allows a man to distance himself from problems such as sexual and domestic violence.  

And often times empathy leads to action, intervention, and hopefully prevention.

But how do we get people to learn empathy? How can we teach boys and men to empathize when they have been allowed to navigate life without thought or care for others?

It certainly is not as easy as throwing on another’s shoes.

 

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Gun Masculinity vs. Healthy Masculinity?

By on January 18, 2013 in Masculinity

We have discussed the connection between men, guns, and violence several times on KC ManUp! and it seems as if that conversation is not going to end anytime soon. Our chief end with this blog and with MOCSA is to reduce the amount of sexual violence in our community and support survivors of such violence. With that being said there are many paths to that end. One of which is reshaping the way men think about what it means to be a man. And the connection between men and gun violence is front and center once again at the start of this new year.

It is hard to deny the connection between men and guns. The overwhelming majority of gun owners are male and the entertainment industry constantly portrays both good men and bad men as being capable and ready to use a firearm for any cause. Mass shootings and gun-related homicides are almost exclusively perpetrated by men.   For this post I am not as interested in exploring the connection between men and guns and how that came about, but rather, I wish to draw contrast between “gun masculinity” and the “healthy masculinity” required to reduce sexual violence in our community.

Here are some thoughts:

Gun Masculinity says that men need to have power over others, especially women, and the quickest, easiest way to establish that power is with a gun.

Healthy Masculinity says the men and women are equal and that men should strive for equality using non-violent means.

Gun Masculinity says that a man needs to protect his woman, family, and property from other men who want to take it. Those other men have guns and so you should too.

Healthy Masculinity says that most violence is committed by someone the victim knows.  A man  should seek to recognize, establish, and foster healthy relationships based on equality with those around him and be an active bystander if he sees inequality and abuse in other relationships.

Gun Masculinity says that gun ownership for all is equality.

Healthy Masculinity says that more guns and violence adds to the existing problem.

What are your thoughts on “Gun Masculinity” vs “Healthy Masculinity” ?

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What’s going on with Man Up! in 2013?

By on January 11, 2013 in Local Interest, Youth

Over the last several years a main focus of the Man Up! Program at MOCSA has been implementing and sustaining the Strength Club program.  The primary goal of Strength Clubs is to teach young men about healthy, non-violent masuclinty with the hope that they will stand up against violence against women.

In 2013 there will be several new clubs starting throughout the Kansas City area.  New clubs will be starting at Northgate Middle School in the North Kansas City School District, University Academy which is a charter school within the Kansas City, Missouri School District, and Hocker Grove Middle School in the Shawnee Mission School District.

These clubs will exist in addition to the ones already in operation at Cristo Rey High School, William Crisman High School, Truman High School, Alta Vista Charter Middle School, Prairie Star Middle School,  and Crittenton Children’s Center.

The expansion of the program in 2013 is certainly exciting and meaningful.  To us at Man Up! and to the greater MOCSA agency it shows that Kansas City, particularly the schools, are getting on board with promoting healthy masculinity and creating safer environments for both boys and girls.

If you would like to learn more about Man Up! please feel free to leave a comment in the comments section or email the Man Up! Program Coordinator, David Belt, MSFT, at dbelt@mocsa.org.

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